49 Funny Amazon Reviews That are Absolutely Real

Funny Amazon reviews are like hidden treasures on a product page. Some of them are created by a twisted genius, while other times the item is so ridiculous the customer just can't help themselves. It doesn't matter. They're worth reading over and over again, if for no other reason than to take a little giggle break.

But they can also be great for driving passive sales. If a review on your product goes viral, you may see a massive spike in your sales that can last for months or even years.

Don't believe me? Just think of how long an article like this can appear in Google results. If your item is pictured below, you'll be able to harness the power of this site to drive traffic to your Amazon listing. It's a win for everyone.

But for the rest of us, reviews like these are just great to read and reread. Enjoy.

49 Hilarious Amazon Reviews Guaranteed to Make You Chuckle

1. This Wall Hanging of an Asthmatic Grandma

My new neighbor, Martha Crumple, has been by my side every day. I feed her soft foods, we talk about her son in-law, and we eat dinner at 3:30. Martha has helped me through my anxiety and constipation as well.

2. This Equine Mask That Turns You Into One

It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways. Now I question everything I thought I once knew and fear I am no longer capable of following through with my primary objective. I know that those who sent me will not relent. They will send others in my place… But we will be ready.

3. This Possibly-Illegal Uranium Core

Bought this because I needed to test my Geiger counter. Because who knows what comes next in 2020. You just have to be prepared for, like, asteroids, volcanos, and of course — nuclear stuff. I mean, who knows at this point? But you can pretty much guarantee that Geiger counters gonna be nearly impossible to find when you need one. Kinda like toilet paper these days.

4. This Incredibly Useful (and Relevant) Book

I wish I'd read this highly informative title in the late 90s. My husband and I both suffer from PTHSCD (post-traumatic huge ship collision disorder) which we acquired while piloting our own huge ship. I remember it like it was yesterday — we were carrying over 3 million gallons of blue paint to Morocco when, wouldn't you know it, we collided with our competitors. They had about 4 million gallons of red-brown on board, and before we knew it, we were all marooned.

5. This Knife That Definitely Won't Fit In Your Pocket

As soon as I set the box down, the Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant sliced itself out, handed me a note written in braille and proceeded teach me to read braille in about two hours. After proving my proficiency in braille, the Wenger 16999 stabbed both of my eyes out! After the shock and pain subsided, a note was handed to me in braille which read: “You will never have to suffer through another Star Wars film ruined by Disney again. You're welcome.” Thank you Wenger 16999!

6. This Watch is Worth More Than a College Education…Apparently

It was either this watch or college for my two kids. I made the right choice. That's what student loans are for, girls.

7. This Utensil You Didn't Know You Needed

This [571b banana slicer] is the best! For years my household would draw lots as to who would have to slice the banana. More than once this lead to lots of blood and a trip to the emergency room. Now we don't have to worry about loosing a finger or an occasional body part. Slicing bananas no longer resembles a scene from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Thank you Huzler 571! If only we'd found this product sooner my wife would be able to wear her wedding band on the correct finger and junior wouldn't be known as “3 finger Jack”. Better late than never I say!

8. This Wolf Shirt That Gives You a Reason to Go Out at Night

“You're going to think I'm crazy, but when I opened the box it came in, I actually heard wolves in the far distance. When I actually put the shirt on, the hairs on my arm stood up and I could hear my own heart beat. I was instantly hungry and ate 3 steaks, raw. Afterwards I fell into a deep sleep and was exposed to a crazy fever dream. I could hear war drums and the chants of Native American warriors, they were calling me to come join them, to quench the thirst for blood, to wage war and unleash my animal instincts. I awoke to a massive erection that lasted for days. I haven't put the shirt on since, its in a box, that's inside of a box, that's inside of a box that's inside of a closet that's inside of a room that's inside of a basement, that's inside of a house, that's inside of a neighborhood that I don't visit anymore. I can still hear it calling to me. Only buy this shirt if you think you can handle it.”

9. This Pen Set With Semi-Sexist Marketing

I'd really like to buy a pack of these pens; but I probably need my father's or husband's permission first. Like I do with all my financial decisions.

10. This Desk That Should Really Come With a Warning Label

My husband Brad always warns me not to try and update my Facebook page while I'm driving. “You'll hit another pedestrian,” he says. “This isn't the Enterprise, there isn't a deflector array.” Then along comes a miracle product like this! I can now happily fly at warp speed down the streets of Los Angeles, laptop or mobile device perched right in front of me, so I can keep both eyes right on it AND on the road. It's so much easier to ignore all the frightened screams and annoying honking when you've got Facebook to look at while driving. Thank you, Wheelmate!

11. This Indestructible Kindle Bag

Got this for the Mother in-law for bath time, hoping it'd be crap, her kindle would slip out and electrocute her. So far, this bloody thing is staying in one piece. Great for waterproof kindling, crap for murder.

12. This Glitter Pack That Doubles as Revenge

My daughter hates glitter with a burning passion, that I firmly believe is a factor in global warming. I fan those flames every chance I get, so this pound of glitter stuffed into an inflated balloon holding her gift was the perfect thing for Christmas morning. As the exploding balloon sent glitter everywhere, you could almost feel the summer like heat radiating from her. Glorious.

13. This Candy that will Blow Out Your Intestines

It all started at 6 in the morning. The night before one of my hunting buddies had bought these without noticing that they were sugar free. He's one of those guys always reading about the effects of food and dieting and stuff, and refused to eat them claiming they would make you gain weight. So he gave them to me. I was out in the deer woods far from any toilet, or toilet paper. If I could go back in time I would have ran my friend over on the way, or made sure my parents had never met, because after just 5 or so of these hell bent demon-possessed spawn of Satan bears, I knew I should have read the comments before taking these off my friends hands. It all started with a low rumble, like distant thunder, or the mating call of a rhinoceros. I was sure it would scare away any deer with in a 5 mile radius. But it didn't stop at that. My intestines began to move inside of me like snakes after eating cherry bombs. My soul itself seemed to be working its way through my bowels. By then I knew I had to get out of that tree stand, but by then I knew it was too late. I made a break for it just as the sun began to rise. I ran like a mad man in a way that I can only describe as a pregnant, ostrich Sasquatch women. I had only made it a few yards when Lucifer himself shot out of me like a potato tied to a ceiling fan. I crumbled to the ground as I tried to rip off my extremely expensive no-scent camouflage hunting pants, but it was too late. I stayed in that spot for what felt like hours. My life flashed before my eyes, and I relived the time I caught my first bass. I prayed to God to kick a satellite from the sky to crush me, but my cries for mercy where covered by the explosions of Satan still coming from my body. The stuff coming out of me would have caught fire if you'd struck a match any where near it. As I sat with my tormented thoughts, I saw the biggest buck I have ever seen in my life (about a 12 or 14 point) walk slowly past my tree stand. A FLIPPIN' PERFECT SHOT. I sat in a puddle of my own defeat trying not to suffocate on the fumes coming from the tainted turds. After what seemed like an eternity I managed to waddle back to my brand new truck, where I had no other clothes, or anything to clean myself with. The smell of my truck and the butt stains left on my once perfect seats will forever torment my dreams. I have gone through an eternity of air fresheners and nothing has worked. When ever someone has to drive with me and they ask what happened to my truck, I tell them a really long story about how I delivered a calf in the middle of the night.

14. This Mask That Turns You Into a Penguin

I needed a mask to wear in the shops, due to COVID-19 restrictions. The staff in my local co-op weren’t happy about this, so I pecked at them, then went home to throw up dead fish in the faces of my children.

15. This Triangle That Won't Make You Rich

It's a pyramid scheme.

16. This UFO Detector That Will, In Fact, Detect UFO's

I purchased this gizmo to play a prank on my husband Brad, who still prattles on about his “fourth-kind” encounter when he was just thirteen. (The 4th kind involves a probe, if you're wondering. I keep saying it was likely his redneck neighbor dressed as ET, but that possibility is too dreadful for him to truly accept.) On the anniversary of Brad's alleged abduction, I placed the device by our bedside, then set-up an electromagnetic wave generator under the bed, with a timer to go off right at midnight. (If you're wondering where to get one, I recommend the Skymall Catalog. I also picked up some Motivational posters and fake garden rock speakers to save on shipping. You're welcome.) But back to my prank. It was all set to go, and I was as giddy as a six year old waiting for Santa. But like a typical six year old, I fell asleep before the damn thing went off. I awoke to the flashing of multiple LEDs from the UFO-02 Detector, and bolted up, eager to see Brad's petrified face. Aha! But Brad wasn't there. In fact, I wasn't even in our bedroom any more. Instead, I stood face-to-face with Leonardo da Vinci. Or perhaps it was Professor Dumbledore, I'm not really certain. In either event, It was a manifestation that the being I shall call the “Intelligence” had determined my brain would most easily accept for deliverance of The Message. You see, the Intelligence had come to convey to us humans that the Imperative was nigh, that what we loosely dub the Singularity was only the beginning of a limitless existence unbounded by physical space and time, and that sugar-free alternatives are actually WORSE for us than the real deal. He made sure that last point was clear by making me repeat it twice. When I came to, Brad was sound asleep in his tin foil hat, the UFO-02 detector was gone, and, sure enough, all of my Splenda had been replaced with little, brown raw sugar packets. When I tried to tell Brad about Leonardo/Dumbledore and The Message, he rolled over away from me, grumbling that I shouldn't eat so much ice cream or any dairy product before bed.

16. These Shoes That Will That Drain Your Back Account…and Your Soul

My unborn son will realize why I traded him for these and will applaud me when he is older. Best decision ever.

17. This Book That Probably Won't Make You Appreciate Italian Cuisine

It used to be that I got home from work and the only thing I'd want to put in my mouth was the cold barrel of my grandfather's shotgun. Then I discovered Sonia Allison's Chicken Tetrazzini, and now there are two things.

18. This Watch That Costs More Than Your Family

I LOVE this watch! L-O-V-E I-T! Every time I check the time I am reminded of my loving wife and 3 children, without them I would not have this watch. I am so thankful for them. Just some advice, you get a lot more money if you sell people by the organ than you do when they are all together. The extra work is totally worth it. TRUST ME.

19. This Speaker That is Indestructible

I bought this for my father-in-law for Christmas. His home was completely demolished by an EF4 tornado the next day. The following day entailed torrential rain. Today, we found the speaker amongst the soaking wet rubble of his home. Amazingly, it powered right up and is in perfect working order.

20. These Cups That Do Cup-y Things

I order these cups every couple of months. They are way better at holding water than my hands. I mean, with my hands I can hold maybe 4 or 5 ounces of water. And I have to wash my hands really well before I do it too (unless I'm eating indian food, in that case I let the flavors spice up my beverages). And no matter how well I wash my hands, they also seem to leave a distinct taste in the beverage. Maybe it's the soap I use. Either way, these cups are way more convenient. No more sitting at home on the couch, with one hand holding a tub of popcorn with a corndog in it, while the other hand holds a meager 4 ounces of soda to help wash all that down. I used to just eat most of my meals by the sink or just drink straight out of a 2 liter–but I felt it was classless.

21. This Album That May Start a REV-O-LUTION

You say, The price of this disc's not a price that you're willing to pay?
You cry, On your own you'll just moan when you see all Hamilfans go by.
Why so sad?
Remember you said that you'd buy me but you never did,
Now you're making me mad,
Remember despite your non-purchase, I'm still here.
You'll be back, Soon you'll see,
You'll remember that you must buy me,
You'll be back, Time will tell,
I promise this disc will serve you well.
Oceans rise, Prices fall,
We will sing together through it all,
And when push, comes to shove,
I will send the fully armed Hamilfans to remind you of our love.

22. This Milk That Adds 100 IQ Points

My wife gave birth to our first born in a bathtub filled with Tuscan Whole Milk, she felt no pain at any stage. He is now 5 years old and completing his PhD in quantum bio-mechanics.

23. These Kazoos That Double as Revenge

I bought these as a surprise for a friend's kid so he could learn the value of relentlessly terrorizing his parents at a young age. A 72 pack meant that he could hide them all over the place so he'd always have a backup when one got confiscated. I thought it was the perfect educational opportunity for him, but when he opened the box, he was the one who was annoyed and irritated! He tried at least 20 different kazoos and none worked. The shoddy craftsmanship of these kazoos made it impossible for him to learn to grate that one particular nerve that only a kazoo can get to. Now I'm going to have to go look for a 72 pack of train whistles or air-horns or something like that. I might even have to buy him a trumpet or a bass drum to help him get some confidence back. This was a waste of a golden educational opportunity. You guys let me down…. BIG TIME!

24. These Noodles That Will Make You Love Death

One day I was trying to get over the 35 dollar limit for free shipping from Amazon, so I was just throwing random food into my cart. I came across this ramen, and I had no idea what the repercussions of clicking that “add to cart” button would be when I bought three packs of it to fufill the free shipping requirement the devious Amazon devs set up to take more of my money. A few days later, I get home from work, and there is a large box full of ramen on my doorstep. I'm tired and lazy from work, so I just grab a random pot, boil some water, make the ramen, and stir fry it, and then set it up with a can of Arizona in front of the TV. I don't even remember what show I was watching that night. After eating half the bowl and thinking it was pretty good, suddenly my lips have the consistency of an automobile tire, and sweat is running down my entire body. I can no longer see, or even walk straight, as I half crawl towards the refrigerator. Every breath is torture, as even the ramen miasma lingering around my face causes a new wave of heat to hit my mouth and nose. It is heaven. And I keep eating. I ended up drinking an entire gallon of milk. That night, I woke up due to rumblings and startled the neighbors, and they were on vacation. The next morning, I felt like I had lost my body weight in sweat. But when I got home from work, the ramen beckoned. It tasted pretty good, and I like spicy things. It has now been two weeks, with me eating ramen at least once every two days. My lips are peeling off. I no longer have any discernible internal organs, and my milk budget has reached economic crisis levels. I fed it to my sister and she cried. This may be my last Amazon review. 10/10, will recommend to everyone I know.

25. This One-Handed Keyboard That Gives You Exactly What You Need

Das bard es ver gad! A've traed et far tree weex ad et werx great! A recabed et ta aw Agazad watcxers! Fave stars!!!

26. This Toilet Brush That is ONLY a Toilet Brush

Causes too much pain and agony, don't know why its so popular now a days, I'm just going to use toilet paper

27. This Casket That Is One-Time Use Only

These are nice. However, I’d like to buy a used one.

28. This Knife That Doubles as a Kitana

As I unwrapped this knife (which happened to come in the most oversized box I have ever seen) my anticipation quickly turned to excitement as the ceiling lights reflected off the blade nearly blinding all within a 10’ radius. I was instantly transported back to 1985 to relive my childhood dream of being Lion-O and leading the Thundercats to glory. Here I am, a 42 year old Thundercat. Instead though of doing battle with Mumm-ra and his minions, I have to constantly remove my wife from the kitchen and somehow, no matter what I make, disappoint my daughter with dinner time. Now, that’s not the knifes fault, merely my poor life choices. My review remains 5 stars across the board. Every chance I have to use it, I will embrace the opportunity to be whisked away to simpler times. Keep up the good work Mercer.

29. This…Pickle Whistle

Bought this to bring some joy and yodeling goodness to the life of a close friend of mine, and it has indeed been life changing. He claims a new zest for life, says he is sleeping better and hasn't looked back since this little chap came yodeling in to his life. I purchased this to settle a ‘pointless off' contest that got a little out of hand… But the joke is on me now that he informs me of the countless uses and opportunities unlocked by this iconic singing vegetable.

30. This Jump Rope That Might Attack You

You wanna jump over some rope? This rope swings around and you can jump right over it. You can jump fast, you can jump slow, you can even jump fancy. This rope will keep swinging and you can keep jumping. But, BEWARE! This rope does NOT forgive. If you mess up by miss-timing a jump, this rope will punish you. This rope is basically made of a steel cable with a very thin coating of plastic. When it hits you, you will feel a sting like the whip of Satan and it leaves you with a mark both physically and emotionally. This jump rope fosters a real punishment avoidance-type of cardio training.

31. This Watch That Should Come With a Pocket Protector

Got pushed down in the hallway and called a nerd. They were right. I love this watch.

32. These Diamond Speakers That Don't Have Diamonds

Turns out the Diamond glass is actually Diamond colored glass not actual diamond. Slightly disappointed but hey it's only $39,000. What do you expect?

33. This Cat Hair Book That Grants You Quiet Time

I purchased this book as I was tired of people sitting too near me on public transport.

34. These Scissors That Cut More Than Paper

They're scissors. You put one blade on either side of something you wish to cut, squeeze the handles together, and it cuts. Super sharp, too. They cut almost as precisely as my father's comments about my career path.

35. This “Play Sand” That Teaches Others a Lesson

I sometimes receive documents in larger than your average letter size, that are clearly labeled “DO NOT BEND.” My mailmain seems to be either lazy, or incompetent, or both and instead of leaving these documents on my doorstep or porch, (because this would require getting out of the car) he bends and folds them, then stuffs them into my mailbox anyway. This often will crease important documents or photos. So, whenever this happens, I log onto Amazon and order a 50Lb bag of play sand. While it doesn't de-crease my documents, it makes me feel a lot better watching him deliver it.

36. These Shoes That Don't Solve Enough Problems

My girlfriend and I were on the verge of breaking up because I was constantly tracking mud into the apartment and ruining the floors. NOT ANYMORE! The traction on these boots is so strong that I’m able to walk up the walls. The floors are clean and her nagging has stopped. Now all we fight about is her crippling alcoholism and my unhealthy obsession with Anna Kendrick.

38.  This Bean Bag Chair That Works…Until It Doesn't

Not only does this bean bag completely consume you and keep you stuck in comfortable bliss all day….but there was another consequence we encountered. This bean bag traps farts. My husband sits here, farting for hours and the farts are absorbed into the bean bag and you don't smell them again until you later sit down on the bean bag and the fumes are released.

• Pros: Super comfortable
• Cons: Super comfortable & Traps farts

39. This DVD With False Advertising

I figured with the title it was a documentary about how urbanization is affecting wildlife, but no it's about some scumbag that does a bunch of drugs and has a boat.

40. This Cutter That Works Better Than Advertised

Extremely good cutter. Cuts almost through everything, including skin, tendons and flesh. Thumbs up for this product.

41. This Book With an Honest Author

I am the author and I think I did a pretty good job.

42. These Hulk Hands That Give You Real Super Strength

I got these in the mail (it was the only present I wanted) and wanted to use them immediately. Y'see, every day when I walk to school these two guys named Ronald and Chester push me on the ground and call me names and say I'm no good. Then they always rip up my homework and take every single one of my pens and pencils away. One time they made me eat a whole pencil and my mouth was bleeding for two days. If I say stop they punch me in the tummy. I have to borrow a pen in class and the teacher always says “ETCHISON! WHY AIN'T YOU GOT A PEN? THIS IS SCHOOL! WHERE'D YOU THINK YOU WERE COMING TODAY?” Every day. So when I got the Hulk hands I decided to take matters into my own (or should I say Hulk's) hands. I walked to school with these on, hidden behind my back. When the two guys came up to me I pulled em out and said, “I THINK TWO BUTTMUNCHES OWE THIS GUY SOME PENCILS!” I started waving my hands in windmill style punches and I hit Ronald in the chest but then Chester stabbed me in the leg with a knife and they ran off. Now I'm in the hospital because I didn't tell anyone for too long and it got infected. My parents are really mad at me. I hate College.

43. These Shoes You Love to Hate, and Hate to Love

I hate these shoes. Yes, I gave a five star rating and I hate them. I'm a cook and I have to wear non-slip footwear to work. I have tried MANY different non-slip shoes over the course of a decade and these are the most reliable, easiest to clean, affordable and utilitarian shoes I've found. My feet never hurt. Let me repeat that. My feet NEVER hurt. But here's the thing. These shoes are so ugly. I hate wearing them. And they do not breathe at all. But they allow me to do my job without having to worry about my feet and that is legitimately all I can really ask of a work shoe. So I will continue to order these stupid shoes every 9-12 months when the non-slip bottom wears out until I graduate from college and can FINALLY tell the company for whom I work to suck it.

44. This Beach Ball That Destroys Everything in Its Path

We took this ball to the beach and after close to 2 hours to pump it up, we pushed it around for about 10 fun filled minutes. That was when the wind picked it up and sent it huddling down the beach at about 40 knots. It destroyed everything in its path. Children screamed in terror at the giant inflatable monster that crushed their sand castles. Grown men were knocked down trying to save their families. The faster we chased it, the faster it rolled. It was like it was mocking us. Eventually, we had to stop running after it because its path of injury and destruction was going to cost us a fortune in legal fees. Rumor has it that it can still be seen stalking innocent families on the Florida panhandle. We lost it in South Carolina, so there is something to be said about its durability.

45. This Spoon That is, In Fact, a Spoon

Hard to review a spoon. They are spoon-shaped and haven't failed to do any spoony actions I have asked of them to date.

46. This Bucket That Checks Out

Includes all the features you love from a bucket:

• Roundness
• Bucket-ness
• Comfort plastic grip
• Holds water and other things

Easy 5 stars.

47. This Robot Vacuum That Became a Member of the Family

Very disappointing! We named ours Bob, and let me tell you he wasn’t the hard working man I was hoping for. Bob spent most of his employment driving from one random side of the house to the other like a junkie looking for his next fix. His actual cleaning was minimal at best and he couldn’t find his docking station to save his life. In the week I had Bob he never finished a cleaning cycle. One day while at work the app texted me to say Bob needed my assistance because he was stuck on a cliff. Worried for Bob’s safety I came home to find him passed out in the middle of the dining room rug. That night the family said goodbye to Bob once and for all.

48. This Wine That Brings Everyone Together

My partner has a love of all thing different, so plum wine was a must for her birthday. She tried it and has consistently been trying to pour it down anyone's throats that can try it. I had a try myself. It's somewhat dry, smooth and sweet at the same time. It's certainly got a very different taste to your standard grape wines. Somewhere between a very strong cider and a dry wine. MIL hated it so worth every penny.

49. These Headphones That are 100% Husband Approved

I can hear a crack of a gunshot on the other side of the map but I can't hear my wife screaming 3 feet from me. 10/10 will buy again if the wife breaks them.

Why You Should Encourage Funny Amazon Reviews

There's no question that good reviews are extremely beneficial to a product's success. Future customers crave social proof to let them know that what they're about to purchase will actually solve their problems.

For that reason, you should always be encouraging honest reviews from your customers every chance you get. Put them in followup emails, the physical product packaging, and even through automated software services like Feedback Genius. 

But if your product is a gag gift, like one of the masks above, you might get the funniest review of all. You could leverage that to gain a lot of backlinks for your site.

Even a one-star review can be a positive if it drives traffic. Most Amazon users won't be turned off by a few negative reviews; they almost expect them from legitimate brands and products. 

If you do receive a few negative reviews though, try to generate additional positive reviews to dilute the impact of a one or two-star. Alternatively, if the one-star review is hilarious, use it in your marketing. Maybe it'll go viral in its own right.

What are the Best Funny Amazon Reviews You've Ever Seen?

Even Amazon recognizes the value of these types of testimonials. They keep a dynamic list of funny Amazon reviews that constantly updates itself. You can nominate others that you've seen, or, if you had a customer leave a humorous note on your product, nominate yourself.

But let's turn it over to you. What are some of the funniest product reviews you've seen on Amazon? Leave it in the comments below!

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